Would you be able to go to the Louvre and not photograph the Gioconda?
affections. Do not start dragging your feet 5 minutes after entering or say that you are getting Stendhal Syndrome when you get the ticket. Wait at least until the dozen frames to affirm with conviction: "he gave me a Stendhalazo". Stendhalazo, which is more modern.
Ladies. Ladies who come to spend the afternoon at the museum because they put the heating on high and they can hear each other well. Which is not going to stop them from continuing to talk to each other as loudly as if they were in the tea room or in the waiting room of the health center, their other habitats. Learn from their self-confidence, because one day you will be one of them.
Modern Art . Say “aaaah” after reading the title of each work. It is almost mandatory.
everyone is critical . Our kind reader Pepa, from Conil de la Frontera, was walking around an Andy Warhol exhibition at the Guggenheim in Bilbao one day. She saw many visitors stand in front of a pile of colorful candies, with that attitude, you know, hand on the chin, knowing looks and admiring comments. Until a boy reached out and picked one up. Faced with the anger that his parents were throwing at him, explaining the difference between art and dessert, the guard approached them and told them "but let the child take a piece of candy, man, that's what they're here for."
pauses. Who hasn't had the experience of sitting on a work of art instead of on the bench and having the guard draw your colors? If you have sat on the guard, it has a worse arrangement.
Store . They are a modern invention that greatly enhances the museum experience. Before, it would have been unthinkable to fan yourself with Empress Sissi, blow your nose with Carlos IV or eat some olives on a plate of the Virgin. Well, yes. And besides, you no longer need to steal a painting to get a souvenir. Now you can order it at the print-on-demand machines, they put it in a frame, they take it home and it even costs a little less than the original painting.
Fell in love. A museum is just as great a place to find a formal bride as the library or the church exit. Following the foreigner in shorts is the next best route to visit the Prado Museum after those written by Unamuno, Eugenio D'Ors, Manuel Machado, Alberti, Gerardo Diego, León Felipe, Ramón Gaya and Claudio Rodríguez. But if you want to fall in love in a museum, try the languid women of Madrazo in the Prado -pale as droplets or repeaters in September-, with the flying brides of Chagall or with the Countess Mathieu de Noailles, of Zuloaga in the Museum of Fine Arts Bilbao, guaranteed crush.
Loans. The most classic of a classical art museum is a man standing in front of one of the many holes that correspond to borrowed paintings exclaiming: "half of the paintings are missing and I have been charged the entire entrance".
Get bored. If you see that you are going to get bored during the visit, try one of my three techniques: Draw similarities to the guys in the paintings with your friends. Hesitate them if they are with you. It is not known why, but it is quite pissing off that they find a priest just like you in a painting of Christopher Columbus landing in Cuba. Walk around the sculptures . Go faster and faster until they seem alive to you or until you get really dizzy, whichever comes first. use all five senses . Preferably in front of an abstract work: look at it from within, smell it, feel its touch, listen to it, taste it. This last advice is not literal.
choose your own adventure . Revolutions, sex, gratuitous violence, special effects... Don't tell me you're bored in a museum, because it has the same ingredients as a Hollywood blockbuster, only quieter. Get inside a painting of El Bosco and then try to get out in the style of John McClane.
There is a museum for you. If your least favorite part of the trip is when someone proposes to visit a museum, fight back with your own route: the Roswell UFO museum, the Berlin curry sausage museum, the Tokyo parasite museum, the Leeds dog or the one in the toilets in New Delhi.
Culture. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise: the Museo del Jamón counts as a museum. It makes it very clear.
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Who does not have a photo with the Mona Lisa?