How to get through summer as a couple (and not end up separated in September)
WHEN THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL
José Bustamante, vice president of the Association of Specialists in Sexology, permanent member of the Spanish Academy of Sexology and Sexual Medicine and author of the book _ What do men think? ,_ helps us solve the unknown, putting us in the background: "There are couples who not only they don't argue anymore in summer , but they get infected by the good vibes that usually accompany this season and they are in Better mood. Not only that, but the holidays provide a great setting for them to meet again and ** enjoy each other .** However, not everything is so idyllic: other couples , those who already discuss normally They do it much more when they have more time to spend together. In fact, in consultation we found that the end of the summer holidays is a time when many couples separation is considered Or at least go to therapy.
"Why?" the expert asks. And he replies: "There are multiple reasons, but the most important are two. One is the one that has to do with time together, without obligations, that requires couples to negotiate forms of leisure, be more with each other , and reveals problems that the routine camouflages, because they hide between strict schedules from day to day. The other is the expectation that on an individual level we put in the summer and the holidays: we dream of being so happy like the actors in the summer commercials , and we also trust that it will be a good time to fix the little problems that we see in the relationship, and that we want to consider as fruit of stress. But of course, once summer and vacations arrive, we realize that we are not so happy like the young people in the beer advertising. And that free time, when the couple is in conflict, rather than solve, worsens the state of the relationship ", clarifies Bustamante.
It was better in the ad
COMING DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS
Given the circumstances, it seems that if things are not going well with your partner, it is best to come down from the clouds and silence the (mental) announcements: "Plan vacations ahead of time It's a good idea, not so much because of the destination, but because of what it means talk about what everyone expects , of what we need to rest, disconnect, take advantage... Not adjusting expectations can lead to disappointments , Already blame the partner from the fact that we didn't have the kind of vacation we wanted", explains the psychologist.
But let's say that you are already at the destination, that the days are not passing as you expected and that you feel strong temptations to elope with the lifeguard and let it be what God wants. We also have a solution for this -although it is not easy-: make an effort to develop a higher level of empathy . "Traveling as a couple implies negotiating, giving in, Be flexible and understand that not everything can be as you want. If the other is tired, if he has special enthusiasm for this or that and so on, it is necessary to carry out an exercise of mutual empathy. We cannot forget that when we travel as a couple, the important thing is enjoy emotions, illusions and rest together , so flexibility should be the norm both in decision-making and in managing discussions," elaborates Bustamante.
Nor should we forget certain "limitations" that are linked to going on a trip, such as not being able to return to your parents' house to get over your anger or even not have the chance to chill out with your friends for being abroad. " In a hotel room there is not much space to be alone and cool down after an argument, which means that we have to value our ability to manage our own anger and that of our partner: a trip is not the best place to get upset and maintain that anger beyond an hour", anticipates the author.
If your partner does not like the water, it is better not to sign up for a surf course
WHAT IF EVERYONE GOES THEIR SIDE?
We fear the worst, we are unable to come to an agreement or simply we have very different interests. Is it a good idea for everyone to go on vacation on your own ? According to Bustamente, it is acceptable as long as we make sure that spend some extra time with our better half : "If our needs and interests are disparate, there is nothing wrong with spending part of the holiday separately , as long as during the year, and in the holidays themselves, we preserve our own spaces for the relationship. A couple needs quantity time, and above all, quality time. If when we have space to relax and enjoy ourselves we decide to have that leisure separately, little by little, We'll start drifting apart Think that if we only share obligations, tasks and decision-making with our partner, while it is with friends -or alone- with whom we have fun, it will not be strange that each time we want to spend more time with those who have fun and less with whom we associate the task, "she details.
This all makes sense to us. However, we are sure that there would be couples who they wouldn't stand a separation of this caliber without one of the most feared enemies of love coming to light: jealousy . "A jealous person will be jealous if the couple goes on a trip, a congress or if they have an attractive co-worker ; jealousy, possessive behavior and control, will appear in the same way. As a couple, and individually, managing them effectively is a matter that will make us feel better and not to harm our partner", illustrates the specialist.
But before continuing, a clarification: " We're not talking about not liking the idea of spending vacation time away of your partner; not being jealous has nothing to do with considering it important for your relationship the fact that Reserve a large part of your leisure time for the person with whom you have decided to share your path. What each couple considers "valid" or not, what they "want" and "do not want", is their own, and it would be a good idea if they had agreed with the other", reasons the professional.
Better with friends than as a couple?
A LITTLE HELP
In short: What should we do so that summer becomes what it is called to be, a season in which to relax and be as happy as possible ? Once again, Bustamante comes to our aid: "It's a good idea enjoy without stress without schedules and set aside time to enjoy together those things that we like and that we don't always have the opportunity to do. Reading together, going to the theater or a concert, visiting this or that destination... In short, having spaces for chat without judging , to recognize each other again, to plan and dream in the future . And why not, if we feel that the relationship has been damaged by the passage of time or by the force of bad times, vacations can be a good time to start couples therapy in order to strengthen it", advises the sexologist.
Simple gestures, like reading together, can unite more than you expect
*This article was initially published on 06.27.2016 and updated on 08.03.2017