Are you one of those who wants to run through the Louvre Godard style?
It will be because of the culture, because of the effect of the posters or because of pure posture. The fact is that the Man of the 21st Century likes more and more to go to exhibitions for that reason of stepping on shiny ground and taking advantage of that insubstantial time between breakfast and the Sunday snack. Between paintings and brochures, several harmless specimens coexist with which to share an ecosystem . Knowing them is the key to having a satisfying experience.
THE GUIDED
What a time when the guides were powerful voices with charisma capable of holding the attention of dozens of ears! They used to interrupt that climax of silence and admiration that reigned in the rooms with a loud voice to explain the works of art. Now all that has changed because of the teleoperator microphones connected directly to the receivers of each visitor . This type of specimen no longer has an excuse. Rather, he could look at another painting, share impressions or directly move on from the matter. Not anymore. Now he has to swallow the insufferable explanations which no longer generates envy among others. No one wants to be in his shoes anymore.
Don't miss the signal umbrella
THE AUDIO-GUIDED
The improved version of the guides are the audio guides. They come to be like the inflatable doll of explanations. You can start, end and even rewind whenever you want . There are two types of audio guides:
those who share
They are usually couples that make every euro profitable , who eat the expired yoghurts and squeeze the tube of toothpaste. And, of course, unapologetic people who don't care if they get caught lobe to lobe listening raptly to one (or two) little voices. In any exhibition there is always some street person who thinks that this is how they can flirt. Mistake. From this moment you will always be a koala for him/her.
Those who go on their own
There are some so professional that they even wear headphones to avoid holding the pot up high during the visit. They live and will always live with their mother. But here they feel so VIP…
THE STUDENT OF ART HISTORY
Interesting wise guy who when he goes alone is usually dressed with a notebook where he draws or writes down and when he is accompanied he tries to rub his visiting partner (probably with a Higher Degree in administration and finance and a thousand euros more in salary) his career, his years of studies and his collejas at recess. It happens to them like scientists, who know a lot but don't know how to tell . What is this phenomenon due to? Well, those who have a bit of grace get into guides, that's how the profession is.
Art students or artists
the freeloaders
Attached to these previous types will always be the freeloader. The one who cares about everything rather little (if not, he would have shared an audio guide) and for whom the spice of life is to get everything for free, half borrowed from others without actually committing a crime. His ability to absorb ideas is rather low, but he has too much to have managed to get everything by the sideburns . Outside the rooms they usually acquire customs such as reading WhatsApp from someone else's Smartphone. Then there is the freeloader-wiseass, more loquacious and sarcastic. Capable of assimilating, adapting and endorsing the talk of others. He usually steals drinks and flirts at nightclubs.
THE READER
User of one of the most mythical resources against non-knowledge: looking at the sign. If the name rings a bell, the painting is good. If the name sounds Italian, the picture is good. If the surname is Spanish, the work is overvalued... The key is knowing how to differentiate those who do it with good taste (they observe, flatter, read and agree) and those who do not hide their ignorance a (they read and then mumble/compliment compliments) .
THE NEARSIGHTED
Honestly, his (supposed) visual deficiency usually causes embarrassment. He plays with fire, gets close, takes risks until he achieves minimum possible distance between your nose and the canvas . However, if everyone does the same, theirs is to copy, lest they discover "another look in the brushstroke" or "torment in the texture".
The reader, not only of posters, but of entire books
THE HANDSOME
Bohemian look: skinny pants, a sweater two sizes too big and plenty of hair (either in a ponytail, Pelocho or with exaggerated bangs). And very, very high. He knows he's handsome, but he wants to be interesting.
THE BEAUTIFUL
He wants to live in the postmodern, plastic and gourmand Paris of Jean-Pierre Jeunet's films. She white complexion, deep gaze and dresses with anti-erotic prints (although counterproductive). When they are accompanied by a 'handsome' envy causes the rest of the world to want them to have a choni son who ends up appearing in Big Brother.
CLARK GABLE'S PHONETIC PHENOMENON
Beings of that generation that had no idea of English and got used to pronouncing the names of Hollywood actors as they are read. Then Humphrey Bogart appeared and changed everything as they understood that his name had to be pronounced as 'Jamfri'. In art, a more surprising case occurs, if possible. They do not usually have problems pronouncing Italian surnames. Not even the French resist. They even strut when they talk about Kandinsky and Klimt. They can't be blamed for getting Munch or Klee wrong, since everyone swings at them. But when the Anglo-Saxons arrive… Oh dear! Poor Turner and Constable! The latter ends up being one more adverb of the language of Cervantes.
Wherever you go... do what you see
THE OPINION LEADER
In the proximity of the alien neighbor, this species of Homo sees the possibility of showing off and spreading his thoughts about each painting to the four winds. Ok, yes, it is difficult to maintain a climate of silence in Spain that lasts longer than the 12 strokes of New Year's Eve, but it is really painful and irritating to suffer the lady on duty saying "How nice" or "Mari, look, a vangó (Van Gogh)".
THE CONSUMER
Year 72368 AD Aliens arrive on Earth looking for the remains of a previous civilization. During an excavation they find a storage room full of Exhibition sheets! And all unframed! The impulse that leads the consumer specimen to sweep away any decent poster of the exhibition is similar to the one that in the 90s caused that fever to accumulate photos on roller coasters. Yes, okay, he has a sweet tooth and we can all mutate until we acquire his abilities to pay by card without remorse. But before that happens, dear reader, think about the aesthetic and chromatic possibilities of Franz Marc's 'The Yellow Cow' fitting into his immaculate guest room...
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- How to behave in a museum
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- All articles by Javier Zori del Amo
Crazy about audio guides