How to behave in the Sahara
Going to the real desert with its dunes, its dromedaries and its pseudo-nomadic youth is a pleasure very much from a 2014 travel serial. Let's say it's an affordable adventure, perfect for fooling around and fucking your sulky Instagram friends on a Wednesday morning. (how many #ojaláteachicharres and #quesecaigadelcamello will go through their minds) .
THE DRESSING
Let no one think of taking the roll of contact with nature to the most nudist extremes. His thing is to go well covered because here the sun is stronger than the hacienda and the risk of ending up redder than a Teuton in Matalascañas is very high. For men, his thing is Colonel Tapioca-style pants but with the zipper down. Just enough to cover the calf without being as tight as Leiva. At the top, whatever suits you, although it is advisable to wear a shirt because of whether or not you roll up your sleeves. women have it easier : any fabric to which the adjective 'bombacho' sticks. For the rest, no heels (in case someone thought of doing a Sex in New York or something like that). And most importantly, the turban. What is the turban for? Nobody knows it, but it looks great in photos and gives authenticity to the moment. It's like wearing a beret in town, but without looking like an asshole. Put it relatively simple, hunchback is helping others. The tie syndrome also strikes in the desert.
THE DROMEDARY
Because yes, you have to ride this being. The first and most important thing is to distinguish it from a camel. The trick is easy: the dromedary is the one that comes out on the Camel packs but without women's legs. The second is to understand that he is a badly made horse. He is not so pretty, nor docile, nor friendly, nor does he neigh with joy You can't even comb it. But it has something better than horses: it climbs when it is crouched. Oh, and it's like a 4x4: it never rolls over. In addition, for some time now, nature has provided them with a metal handle to hold on to when they stand up, that moment of risk. And then there are the thighs, yours in particular and the soreness that their rattle generates. Not to mention fisting in cases of greater dilation, of course. Conclusion: it is a lesser evil, but it looks great in the photos.
Dromedaries are like poorly made horses
OTHER VEHICLES
Going on a quad or ATV in the desert is like partying in a limousine. Don't be corny, please. And once envy is left aside, driving one of these bicharracos between the dunes is a recommended rush but without freaking out or accelerating like the son of Fary. Here the Carlos Sainz on duty ends up deadlocked, without knowing how to get out of the dune and with the face of a lamb slaughtered and humiliated.
THE DUNES AND THE SUNSET
The real desert, the one that is cool, the one with the brand and the pedigree, is the one with the dunes. And placed at your feet, what you want most is to climb them. But watch out! They tire, they tire a lot . More than dancing a pasodoble or waiting for a Ryanair queue. It will be because the ground is not still or because every step of 32 centimeters you take involves the displacement of 20 centimeters of sand . You have to take it easy because otherwise the twins will cry like two newborns. And upstairs, you have to watch the sunset with your eyes drenched in sweat and sand up to your tailbone.
dunes tire
THE DESCENT
Only one way of descending a dune is supported: making the croquette like a dung beetle . You'll never have a better chance to roll around like a giant fluff in your life. The dunes become the black slopes to practice the croquetil slalom so... take advantage of it, young and intrepid adventurer!
THE SAND
The bad thing about the desert is that it is made from the sand that is left over from sea razor shells. And on top of that, it's not the cool one because it doesn't let castles be molded with it. No, here it behaves like an omnipresent being that ends up hiding in any part of the clothes, accessories and the body. So it's best to assume that he's going to show up everywhere and that, years later, he will still come out of your shoes.
WALK BAREFOOT
Oh, yes, it's a greedy temptation until they explain to you what those little black balls are on the ground and they tell you which hole they come out of which animal...
HAIMAS
And after the dromedary, treading on a dune and shaking off the sand comes the harsh reward: sleeping in a camp. Like those of adolescence but without the possibility of escape. It's basically the opposite of a suite, but it's not too bad, especially when you decide to sleep outside, sheltered from stars more excited than ever. The crappy comes with the whole bathroom thing. The logical thing is to go out like Ace Ventura when nobody sees you to improvise a toilet in the shelter of a dune and far from a goat camel.
THE BERBERS
To all this, the experience includes the support of these beings living in the desert. They are nice, they dress great to appear in the photos and they are extremely multilingual . But they have a small defect: they want to know a lot about Western culture, which leads them to indiscriminately fuse their philosophy of life with phrases like 'Three meters above the sky' while they dream of a future far from the Sahara. In other words, do not expect many stories about the southern cross or about the nomadic life. Here the news is you.
Berbers
THE EVENING
Usually includes dinner and show. Any doubts about the food are dispelled by seeing the solar panels. What does have crumb is the musical moment in which the Berbers begin to play percussion instruments with which they generate rhythmic ostinatos that not even Farruquito enzarpao would dance to. They are accompanied by happy songs and a dance around the fire that at times gives bad vibes. But in general everything is gibberish. And no, don't hesitate if they invite you to dance or play a yembé. And without drinking a drop of alcohol!
Back in the haima, it's time to reflect on life and exchange self-help phrases and other gossip inherited from the pasty Messenger nicknames. The starry sky functions as a vault that magnifies the monerismo and that gives bombast to Coelho's phrases and Benedetti's verses . And then to bed, to lie on mattresses placed on the floor of the shops, to fall asleep with sand even in the Transport Pass and with a snoring Berber in the background. And yet they close their eyes.
DAWN
It's a hangover but no withdrawal syndrome. Of having survived a gypsy wedding, of being alive by a miracle. Soreness, poor sleep and how early it dawns help this deplorable state . Zombies barricade themselves on top of the dunes to greet the sun. Damn star king that appears without warning. Because here the sunrise is the same as in Albacete, but without civil guards who shoot each other with the sun.