“An important source of inspiration for intangible cultural heritage to be relevant in the contemporary world” . Has anyone ever said something so nice to you? This is one of the phrases used by the UNESCO to describe the Valencian popular festival, after being declared Intangible Heritage of Humanity last November. Mascletà, firecrackers, monuments, culture, tradition, social satire, music... It is easy to know what you are going to find when you arrive in Valencia, but as in any contract, you have to read the fine print. After years of investigative journalism and field work, we share with you a practical guide to survive Fallas.
1. Never wear your favorite clothes in Fallas. You have to accept that there are parties to show off and others that are just the opposite. They are those parties in which the objective —as the title of this article says— is to survive. For this reason, the first piece of advice in this guide is that you use that t-shirt that is already a bit old and NEVER your favorite jeans, because you don't know what's going to happen . The smoke impregnates your clothes until the summer arrives and it can even burn and it's not a joke -if not, tell Khaleesi-.
two. Sunglasses will become an extension of your body. To cover the dark circles under your eyes after nights of voluntary insomnia, hide your bad face and, above all, to escape from the treacherous solace when you go to see a mascletà.
we burn things
3. The "caloret faller" are the parents. Although Valencia is a city with 300 days of sunshine a year, it is deceiving. First you have to take into account that time is very playful in Fallas and you may have had almost 28ºC the weekend before and once March 14 arrived, the universal deluge would fall. Another thing to keep in mind is something called humidity , which seems not, but cove. So the solution is to dress as a "hortense plant, of the liliaceae family, with a stem 60 to 80 cm tall, hollow, fusiform and swollen towards the base, fistulous and cylindrical leaves, greenish-white flowers in umbel round, and fibrous root that is born from a spheroidal bulb, white or reddish, formed of tender and juicy layers, with a strong smell and more or less spicy flavor”. I mean, like an onion. The key is in the layers.
Four. See the mascletà with an open mouth (literally). It seems unbelievable, but otolaryngologists recommend keeping your mouth open and not covering your ears to avoid the risk of acute sound trauma. Some can exceed 120 decibels -similar to the noise caused by the engine of an airplane when it is running-, but they are also one of those events that you have to experience to know what you are talking about. So... You have to take risks, right?
See the mascletà with your mouth open (literally)
5. To practice Paquito the chocolatier the previous days. Neither La Mayonnaise, nor Corazón Latino, nor Chimo Bayo's Chimo Bayo. If there is a fallero anthem par excellence, that is the pasodoble of the pasodobles: Paquito el Chocolatero de Gustavo Pascual Falco . So now you know, grab the waist of the closest person and get ready to shake your hips more than Quagmire in Family Guy.
6. Stay away from drunks (but not from the ones you think). Drunks are those firecrackers that everyone hates and you don't know why, people keep throwing them. They have a very peculiar sound and it is moved by the wind, so running is not an option. The first tip is to stay away from drunks, but if you can't do that, the only way out is play with feet still so that it does not come for you.
7. Go against the current when it comes to seeing the flaws. Make the pilgrimage route through the fallas of the Special Section, see the winners and pardoned children it is an arduous task . Hundreds of people walk like legionnaires to get the best snapshot of #postureofallero . The solution? Going against the trend, why visit the fallas at 7:00 p.m., when you can see them at 3:00 a.m.?
Failures, you must experience them at least once in your life
8. The bikini operation is a problem of your future self. Paella, chocolate with pumpkin fritters, longaniza sandwiches at odd hours, "picaetas" between meals... The sooner you accept it, the better. Failure is not the time to diet.
9. Go to see the Ofrenda at least once in your life. Thousands of falleras and falleros go to the Plaza de la Virgen with bouquets of carnations to dress the Geperudeta or the Virgin of the Forsaken for the rest of mortals. It's like watching Attack of the Clones in slow motion - if Princess Leia had been born back then - are you going to miss it?
10. Wear a scarf and think you're an outlaw Clint Eastwood. To deal with the smoke from the firecrackers of the awakening, the mascletà, the cremà and all things ending in “à”. If sunglasses become an extension of your body, the handkerchief (fallero) will be your best friend. You never know what you have until you lose it.
eleven. Take the cod route through the best orchestras. Just as there are #Believers or #Selenators, Valencians also have their favorite orchestras. Therefore, before starting the Fallas it is necessary to locate them and prepare the timing of the best festivals of this year. The classics? La Pato, Montecarlo and Vertigo . Any more alternative? euphoria.
Failures are lived in family
12. The chances of running into your parents at a party is very high. If you go out to the verbenas in your neighborhood or you are a fallero and you stay in your house, it is VERY likely that you will meet your parents, uncles, grandparents, cousins, second cousins, the neighbor of the fifth and a long etcetera . Before this impromptu family reunion, the strategy is not to fall first. Slow down and let your family members start with the mixed drinks and wait for them to let their guard down to give it their all. In his eyes, you will be the good one in the family, at least during the first hours of the festival.
13. Bet on the afternoon It is a reality that one of the few faults that this Valencian festival has is the curfew. The festivals close at 3 or 4 in the morning and hundreds of Valencians stay in the street, going around in a circle like walkers The Walking Dead . The solution? Opt for “the afternoon” and meet friends in the afternoon, as the name of this concept indicates. This way the party will start before and when the verbena sings that Goodbye Don Pepito, goodbye Don José , you won't be left wanting more.
Valencia, until the next Fallas