You swore eternal love, and yet...
And we are not saying this, but an expert: we have spoken with ** José Bustamante ,** vice president of the Association of Specialists in Sexology, a permanent member of the Spanish Academy of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, psychologist specializing in couples therapy and author of the book _ What do men think? _ He gives us the keys to put together the puzzle of love at a distance without anyone getting hurt.
To begin with, a key question: when one of the members of the couple has to go live far away, Is it a good idea to continue with the relationship? "Actually, it is not as simple as making a rational decision; love has these things. Perhaps the head tells us that it cannot be and that we will end up suffering , but it is difficult that, if we love, we do not succumb to the temptation of trying to bridge the gap. It is true that, first of all, a long-distance relationship does not imply a challenge for the couple, but there are situations more difficult than others".
Saying goodbye is always hard
We take a breath after he tells us that "it does not imply a challenge for the couple" (to us it seems to us the end of the world , but we must be hopeless crybabies), and we let him continue: "It's not the same as leaving be forever to limit the time that will be spent away; is not the same can be seen with some frequency or not being able to do it more than a couple of times a year," he explains.
"It is true that many couples will not overcome that distance; however, it is worth taking into account certain recommendations", warns the expert, and highlights, above all (he puts it in capital letters!) " AVOID MISUNDERSTANDINGS ". "The more clarity, the better, when the moments for talks are more structured, the time we reserve to chat with the couple and the meetings that will take place, less chance of arguments , misunderstandings and suffering," he details.
However, if everyone did that right, movies and series about long-distance love would be left without a script , but who wants to constantly live according to the Hollywood storyline? Better keep your feet on the ground : "It is essential that let's reserve spaces to chat with partner. It may seem cold and unspontaneous, but in reality it is the same as when we meet up to see each other. This way we can both afford not having the inertia of looking at the mobile all the time , writing to the couple or making sure we are available in case they contact us," explains Bustamante.
Important: avoid misunderstandings
That is It's not worth spending all day thinking about to what the other is doing, if he will be fine, if he will be thinking about us... " Sadness will appear: It is normal that we miss the other and that, if we are given a choice, we prefer to be by their side. Nevertheless, being away does not mean spending time mentally connecting with suffering of not having him around", argues the author.
Here we enter a complicated point: they have sold us that what's cool is being Romeo and Juliet, but we all know how that ended... "To alleviate the sadness of his absence it is essential that we live our lives , that we have our hobbies, we focus on our tasks and above all, that we allow ourselves to have a good time even though he or she is not with us. As long as we are not cheating on our partner , there is nothing wrong with trying to be okay, and even having moments of happiness without our partner . Unfortunately, much of the culture of romantic love has made us think that being happy, laughing or feeling fulfilled without your partner is something like **a symptom that you don't really love him.** Not at all: I can love my partner and at the same time preserve the ability to be well even if he is not by my side", answers the psychologist.
Once this has been clear (although it is not easy for many to get it into their heads), let's go for it all: What are the ingredients that allow you to maintain a long-distance relationship in good condition? "Trust. To truly love, that is, to be happy when you see the other happy and don't try to make him feel guilty because I'm fine in your absence. Take care of the times for the couple . Don't put yourself in situations "danger" if fidelity is one of the pillars of our relationship. Avoid misunderstandings", he rightly repeats.
Stop reminiscing about "the good times"... and build new ones!
In fact, even though the infidelities are, according to Bustamante, one of the triggers that end this type of relationship, the sexologist continues delving into the one you think is the most harmful : "It would be necessary to explore the guilty feeling which one tries to send the pair. There are people who from a distance, or simply when they are not together, transmit to their partner that they are wrong because they feel that the opposite would be interpreted as a betrayal to the relationship."
Thus, the recipe for our love to survive time and space is quite clear, but obviously, it is not infallible: " It is not possible to know if the relationship will last , depends on factors such as its strength, the distance and the personality of each of the members", clarifies the author. However, a good idea to strengthen it would be get together as often as we can "There is no exact rule, but it is true that a relationship needs skin, look at the other, hug him, kiss him, feel him sexually, share intimacy and feed the complicity . So it would be a good idea to try to see each other as often as possible," Bustamante concludes.